The day you shared your heart, the secret you were holding back…I cried, I died, I fried…. into temporary oblivion.  I kept crying out: Not that Lord, not that one… NO… I’m not going to accept it, I won’t, I can’t, it hurts and yet, I knew it, but I didn’t want to say it out loud, for fear of confirming one of my worst fears… why, Lord, why?

I tried to train up my children in the way that they should go… I pushed in prayer, intercession and spiritual warfare. I professed, declared, prophesied, established, pressed toward the mark, fought the good fight, and ran the race, reaching for fulfillment of the promises that You gave me.

Oh man, Lord!!!  Ugh!!! Why???? There I was, on the floor, travailing in cries, that were so deep and so hard I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak, I thought I was literally going to die.

Yet, after the crying,the travailing, experiencing the deepest pains rendered and thoughts of failure as a parent, You came Lord, and gathered me into Your arms, held me tight and said “It would be alright.”

You told me that You knew my heart, heard my prayers, and promised me… You promised me… that if I would “seek first the kingdom of God and its righteousness, that all things would be added unto me.”

If I took care of the Body of Christ, You would take care of my spouse, my children, my parents, everyone in my life… and I know that You will Lord, and that You are…for Your word does not come back void, but fulfills and accomplishes what you send it out to do. (Isaiah 55:11)

But it hurt so bad Lord, so bad… and yet like every ouch, Daddy comes, and puts medicine on it, LOVE, and then He covers it with a band-aid, MORE LOVE, and allows it to heal and become whole again… because of His LOVE

If it were not for Your LOVE, I would never be able to LOVE and not just LOVE, but LOVE the way Your LOVE… And I LOVE my family, the one You gave me, in spite of our own quirks… because it is:  All for ONE and ONE for all~because of YOUR LOVE~

Here I am

My heart - yearning, longing, desperate

My tears falling, falling, falling

On my knees, on my face, crying out

From the gutters and depths of my soul

Save me Lord~ save me

From myself, from the world

From the evil that refuses to stop

For I do not want to remain

Where darkness envelopes me

Where the pain keeps twisting and tearing

Where this life I live seems empty

Like a spiraling black hole

Pulling me, dragging me

Down, down, and ever down

Where evil itself taunts me, reminds me

Dares me…

To give up, to give in

To take a life; my own life

For in the darkness the voices whisper with persuasion

“It will be better”, they say, “You’ll see.”

“You can do it… come on… just do it…DO IT!”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

HELP ME!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME…PLEASE!!!

I’M DROWNING, I’M DYING, I CAN’T BREATHE… 

HELP ME, PLEASE LORD, HELP ME…WHERE ARE YOU?

And then I heard it, piercing the darkness

As the whispers began to succumb to Authority

Not my own, but the One who Is Authority

I heard it…a voice, soft, gentle, caring, loving

Calling me, calling my name

I heard it, through my tears and my fears

His voice, His voice that prompts me, encourages me

Strengthens me,  

To look up, to look there

Where Lord, where?

Into the Light, a most marvelous Light

The purest Light that radiates a peace

That I have longed for and searched for

A Light that would embrace me and fill me

To overflowing, that I would know

That I am not alone,

For He is here, He has always been here

Waiting on me, to remind me

That He hears me, knows me

Understands me…that He understands

My pain, my sorrow, my desperation

That He knows me and understands

The depths of my despair

My feelings of abandonment

The constant abuse, the sting…

Of not being accepted, loved or understood

It is there… in the stillness of my heart

I hear His voice, calling me

To come and sit in the protection of Him

The tenderness of Him, the love of Him

The hope of Him…

But do I dare believe

That One could love me

Care for me, accept me

As I am…

Dirty, broken, accused…

And yet He reaches out for my hand

Why? What’s in it for Him?  Or for me?

I stare at His hand for quite a while

So strong, so gentle

Wondering do I…could I….should I…

I dig deep, deep within, looking for a seed of faith

A faith so small that it would take

A magnifying glass to see it, to find it, to hold on to it

And yet maybe, just maybe that’s what it will take

To save me, to help me, to heal me, to deliver me

That small seed of faith that is childlike

Pure and innocent…

The kind of faith that hopes and believes and is

And so it is, with childlike faith

I choose to reach for my Lord

As I gaze into those eyes…

Those beautiful eyes of assurance and acceptance

Knowing that He is and always will be…

Here~

by: Lisa Brown Barretto, January 26, 2012