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Why would you even want to draw near to me Lord, for I am but a sinner doused with the muck and mire of self and the world’s immoral pollution? And yet, Your word says, that if I (choose to by faith to) draw near to You, that You will draw near to me. If this is true Lord, then here I am… moving toward You in the hopes that You will meet me right where I am.

This story is from a woman I met several years ago.  I hope this will encourage women who have experienced what she experienced including the loving grace of God. <3

His name would have probably been Isaac, and his brother, possibly Jacob, and their youngest sister, Rachel.  Some women have one abortion, maybe two, but three is unheard of.  And yet, she had three of them.  Each decision was faced alone.  No one was there to support her, help her or encourage her.  Words like disappointed, how could you, what were you thinking, I’m not ready to be a Dad kept going around and around in her mind.  But with each decision, her heart was breaking.  It went against what she believed, however, she couldn’t even go to the one place that could’ve prayed for her, helped her, or would have been there for her.  She couldn’t even go to her Pastors.

Why?  Because she grew up in Church, and girls who go to Church don’t get pregnant.  She had lost her way.  And there was no one left in her life that understood her. Once these decisions were done she hid herself in booze, drugs, and me… trying to hide her hurt, her pain, her shame, for those decisions she made; trying to hide in the darkness that consumed her, because she couldn’t see the light that would save her from her own guilt-ridden destruction.

She wondered if her aborted children would forgive her, would her children love her, would God forgive her, did He love her, could she even forgive herself.  She wondered how they would look like, what they would do with their life, how they would impact others in their life.  She envisioned the colors of their hair, their eyes, and the passion in their hearts.  Would they be teachers, musicians or dancers; would they be doctors, humanitarians, or in the military?  Would they love life, love people, or love animals?  What would their aspirations be, what would their struggles be?  Would they know that Mom and Dad would always be there for them, and love them?

Well, her life would go on, she would marry one day and have children, be a soccer mom, and do all the things that moms are capable of doing for their family, but every now and then, she remembers, and thinks about them.  Hoping that the day she goes to Heaven, that they will be there with open arms waiting to hug her, greet her, love her, in spite of the decisions she made to stop God’s life plan for them.

You see, God’s word says that He watches us as we are formed in our mother’s womb.  That for each life, there is a plan that He has created before the foundation of time.  But when we decide to stop that plan, we forfeit their presence in this world to be loved, to know love, to be and become who God destined for them to be.  We eliminate the opportunity for them to fulfill that life plan created just for them.

In time she finally learned how to forgive herself with the grace of God, and she even surrendered her self and allowed God to forgive her.  Now, as she lives according to God’s plan for her life, she patiently waits for the day when she heads home to Heaven, to see her children.  She longs for the day when her children will say:  We love you Mom, and we forgive you. 

Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his HAND a live coal, which he had taken with the tongs from the altar.  And he touched my mouth with it and said, “Behold, this has touched your lips, your iniquity is taken away and your sin purged.”  Isaiah 6:6-7

Purge my lips Lord, that I may speak life not death, blessing not cursing, joy not sadness, truth not lies, light not darkness~

Ouch Lord

The day you shared your heart, the secret you were holding back…I cried, I died, I fried…. into temporary oblivion.  I kept crying out: Not that Lord, not that one… NO… I’m not going to accept it, I won’t, I can’t, it hurts and yet, I knew it, but I didn’t want to say it out loud, for fear of confirming one of my worst fears… why, Lord, why?

I tried to train up my children in the way that they should go… I pushed in prayer, intercession and spiritual warfare. I professed, declared, prophesied, established, pressed toward the mark, fought the good fight, and ran the race, reaching for fulfillment of the promises that You gave me.

Oh man, Lord!!!  Ugh!!! Why???? There I was, on the floor, travailing in cries, that were so deep and so hard I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak, I thought I was literally going to die.

Yet, after the crying,the travailing, experiencing the deepest pains rendered and thoughts of failure as a parent, You came Lord, and gathered me into Your arms, held me tight and said “It would be alright.”

You told me that You knew my heart, heard my prayers, and promised me… You promised me… that if I would “seek first the kingdom of God and its righteousness, that all things would be added unto me.”

If I took care of the Body of Christ, You would take care of my spouse, my children, my parents, everyone in my life… and I know that You will Lord, and that You are…for Your word does not come back void, but fulfills and accomplishes what you send it out to do. (Isaiah 55:11)

But it hurt so bad Lord, so bad… and yet like every ouch, Daddy comes, and puts medicine on it, LOVE, and then He covers it with a band-aid, MORE LOVE, and allows it to heal and become whole again… because of His LOVE

If it were not for Your LOVE, I would never be able to LOVE and not just LOVE, but LOVE the way Your LOVE… And I LOVE my family, the one You gave me, in spite of our own quirks… because it is:  All for ONE and ONE for all~because of YOUR LOVE~

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